Companionship in modern Indian marriage

Central to modern marriages now, is the notion of companionship. If boomer marriages were more for the society and having children, millennial marriages are bringing the idea of “companionship” to the centre.

This is not to say that boomer marriages didn’t have the element of companionship. They of course had/have. But the degree of importance associated with companionship, between the couple has increased many-fold.

This is not a critique on boomer marriages at all. This is merely to point out the difference that has taken place in the society as a consequence of women’s liberation and globalization!

You will hear all of sudden, couples taking time for themselves, beyond the mandatory few days of “honeymoon” after marriage. You will hear now, couples talking about the need to feel “connected”. You will hear now, couples negotiating through all aspects of life, that were once regulated and fixed by sexes and society. Our grandparents never question if they wanted to have kids, that was not an option. Our grandparents never discussed who will take care of the kids, that was not a question. The roles were firmly divided between the couple- whatever had to do with the world outside the house, the man dealt with it, including providing for the family. Whatever had to do with the world inside the house, the woman was in-charge, including tending to the children.

Modern millennial couples find themselves in a situation where everything is up for negotiation as these rigid rules of society are changing very fast. Millenial women are joining workforce and are financially independent. To a much larger degree than ever before!

Millenial couples know and see that the dynamics of the society are rapidly changing. As we struggle to make ends meet (with two people earning now!), we know that we cannot depend on our children and we’d prefer not to. Families are no longer joint. And the next couple of decades are likely to be even more nuclear with children and their families living in different continents.

And hence, companionship matters even more! We now cannot imagine not connecting to our partners. We cannot imagine missing this central element of “companionship”.

If you are in a marriage that I just described and/or if you find yourself craving this “connection” this article is for you.

Let’s first define this “connection”

What we mean by connection, is a sense of togetherness. It is being ‘in-sync’ with one another. It is understanding the other person’s needs and being mindful of it.

This should not be confused with proximity or merely living together.

People can be physically close together and mentally divorced.

Togetherness has to do with the nature of our attention. Are we giving focused attention to one another, or not?

Very often, for decades couples have lived in the same house and their common activities have always been things that distract them from one another.

Very often, you will see when one partner speaks, the other is actually on the phone. Or paying attention to something else.

This is the very opposite of togetherness.

How to bring back the sense of togetherness -

How do you re-connect then? Or how do you build the connection, if you are starting your journey as a couple?

The answer is — Focused attention. Something that usually comes to people very naturally at the beginning. This is often lost as other things take over, be they work, other people, or children.

Myth — The idea of companionship is not to look into each other’s eyes every night and gaze at sunset’s together every day (though from time to time, doing this won’t hurt!).

The idea of companionship/ feeling a sense of ‘togetherness’ is being present. Being a full and complete witness of your partner’s inner life.

Myth — The idea of companionship is not constant vigilance with no respite or down time alone.

The idea of companionship / feeling a sense of ‘togetherness’ is changing the object of your focus from yourself and your needs, to that of the other. This changed attention, when reciprocated is what gives meaning and satisfaction to the relationship.

Doing this over and over, making time for this with mindfulness, adds to the couple’s experience of satisfaction and contentment together.

This is “companionship”as we seek it now!

Originally published at https://tejasvita.in on October 14, 2020.