Why we need to change our approach to sex
As I work more in this domain and as I talk more to people, be they friends or clients, I realise it is really important to change our approach towards sex.
The act of sex is so much more than procreation that one of the biggest causes of marital discords is unhappiness in bed.
In this post, I will list a few of my top counsels to be better in bed. I will be posting more about each one in detail along with certain wrong and damaging beliefs, we have culturally. More on that, later.
Let’s look at the first wrong belief though —
A huge myth that is also a very damaging idea is that sex is natural and we are all innately knowledgeable about it. We are not. In fact in sex-negative cultures, we are taught to shun it till marriage. After which, it is presumed that you will know it all, naturally. If only it were true!
Like anything else, sex is a skill that one needs to learn and it usually gets better with practice. What also matters the most here is openness. Creativity. Vitality. And a whole lot of curiosity!
So, preliminarily, keep in mind the following pointers —
- Relax. Don’t take pressure. Focus on fun. Yours and your partners. Sex is recreational.
- If you are new to sex and don’t have experience, know that there is a lot to learn. And everything you think you would like or wouldn’t like can change when you actually do it. Sex in your mind and sex in real life are very different. Also, given that we are people and not bots, we keep changing too. So, if the first time you didn’t like something or the idea of it, relax and try again. Just like you tried a glass of wine, again!
- Communicate openly. If you don’t like something, say that. Kindly. Give your partner the right feedback and they will get better. Similarly, if you like something they are doing, tell them that. Encourage it. Relationships have been ruined over bad or no communication in bed.
- Focus on foreplay. Something that should start outside your bedroom.
- Learn to be secure in your own body. Make your partner feel secure in their body. Man or woman, insecurity relating to one’s body is extremely common and needless.
- Sex is a lot more than what happens in your bedroom. It is also a lot more than penile-vaginal intercourse. It is not something you do, it is a place you go. It is a complex combination of mind and body. Be aware of this and be open and don’t judge. People are different, their kinks, fetishes, desires and ideas are different. Flirt. Talk about sex. Speak through touch. There is a lot more to sex than just your genitals.
- Care about your partner’s satisfaction. Let them know that. If you are in a heterosexual relationship, start with the woman. Women feeling ignored in bed is extremely common. So is women not experiencing orgasm. Therefore, change that. And it will only get better for you.
- Be open. And remove all sex negative ideas that you absorbed while growing up. Cultures like mine (India) are sex negative and everything about sex before marriage is discouraged or frowned upon. And suddenly, after marriage you are expected to figure out everything on your own, with a person you most likely have not had any sexual interaction with. Or if you have, it is bare minimum. That is why, it is important to do this self work. To be open and sex positive.
- Listen. Listen to your partner when they are saying something about their experience. Listen through your body. Read his / her cues. Pay attention. And be open by exploring new things. About talking about new things.
- It blows my mind how most people don’t use toys and other things to make their experience in bed better. Most often you will find sex toys mentioned only if you are searching about how to “spice up your sex life”. But to be fair, in monogamous relationships (which is most common) sex toys should be used routinely. Not just to “spice up” but to simply enjoy the everyday routine sex.
- Lastly, branch out. In the middle of it, surprise your partner. Do something they wouldn’t expect. Most people I know follow a pattern that is so boring that it doesn’t do much to either of them. Great sex involves a lot of creativity. Practice that. Learn about it.
